Confidently discouraged.

I have many great skills.  I have been trained and received an education in Management, Business.  I would be, on paper, a great asset to any company looking for experience in solving problems, taking control, seeing a job done through its life cycle.  In short, I really am a great employee in potential per my black and white line itemized qualifications and experiences.
Why then do I describe my mood as confidently discouraged?  Simple.  When placed in an environment and position of authority over new personalities, I fail..  epic style.
Case:  one of the principles I learned in path of obtaining my degree in business management, I learned that there is a virtual "life cycle" of a team.  The cycle (much like that of an incects': egg, larvae, pupa, adult.) Begins with the formation stage, moves to storming, then to normalization, afterwards moving to the performing stage and ending with the adjournment.  Each stage if survived, adds to the potential success of the team.

In the formation stage, the team is gathered together.  The purpose of the team is set, and the guidelines of expectations are defined.  Furthermore, this stage is where each team member tends to bring to the table their "Rose colored vision" of themselves portraying the best of themselves and submitting for "the benefit of the team" all the skills, knowledge, and abilities that they uniquely provide that can be used to attain the goals of the team. This stage can last minutes to weeks..  also known as the honeymoon period of the team.
We all know the unfortunate truth that the honeymoon must eventually end.  When it does,  the storm begins.

In the storming period of the team life-cycle, the team starts to see each other for the imperfect humans we all are...  This causes friction as different personalities clash and the little nuances and shades of meanings in conversation and the agreements made during the formation stage start to become clearly evident that each person is still an individual with varying levels of understanding and personal commitment to the team and team goals.  Many assumptions made in the formation stage are proven true or false.  This is a period of time for the team that requires one to quickly adapt and make concessions to bring unity back to the team, coping skills big here... If the team cannot get past this stage, the team will end without any goals being accomplished.

On the other hand, if the team is successful at navigating this stage they move onto and through the normalization stage onto the performing stage.  Normalization means that all disputes are not necessarily gone, but a plan to resolve said conflicts has been established and proven effective.  Everyone in the team has grown accustomed to the individual needs and skills of other team members and have found the rhythm to move as a team towards team goals.

The performing stage is as its name suggests: it is where the team is performing like a well-oiled machine.  Progress is being made in all areas towards the completion of the team goals and towards the culmination of the team purposes.  Every team has its end towards which it works and this end is rapidly approaching during the performing stage because of the efficiency at which the team works.

The Adjourning stage is where all goals and purposes of the team have been accomplished and the reason for existing is no longer valid.  This is where either the team disbands or is "re-tooled", "re-purposed" to start the cycle again.

Now that I have given you all a lesson in group dynamics, how is it that I fail having such an understanding of these concepts?  For me in my crowded seclusion, my teams find it very hard and some cases impossible to move fully from the storming stage, not for my own effort or that of those on my team, but because there is a very steep learning curve for someone getting to know me for the first time.  Many times this storming stage begins much sooner than with someone else other than me on the team because with new people, or people around whom I have not recently or consistently been working, I have a hard time basing my interactions with them.  People assume from my mannerisms they are unfamiliar with, that I am arrogant and don't care for anyone else.  My efforts to control this aspect of myself have proven ineffective in the past and as I move from new team to new team in life and work, the improvements I make each time are minimal at best.  The learning curve remains steep.

I can't blame myself completely and yet I can't ignore the failure of others in their responsibility in this situation.  That responsibility is why I have started this blog.

My crowded seclusion is the fact that I have Aspergers.  For those unfamiliar with this, Aspergers is a type of high-functioning autism much like terrets syndrome is.  Like terrets, the effects of aspergers is largely out of my control.  As a close friend effectively summarized for me, aspergers effectively makes me socially inept.  Social situations don't come naturally to me.  This blog is to give perspective to those who don't understand by showing through my eyes the everyday situations others take for granted in their lives.  Also, aside from the main purpose, my hopeful secondary purpose is to bring to light for those others like me the steps that I take daily to cope with those situations and help others to know that there is someone who understands the challenges we face and the frustrations that constantly challenge us.  Thirdly, I hope to have a record for myself to reflect upon and trace my growth if any.

My crowded seclusion:  living life confident and discouraged at the same time.

The dance of life. A drum that can't be heard.

There are certain unspoken rules and dance steps that we are all expected to know and follow without fail.  A drum beat marking time rhythmically; constantly changing to mark the new steps and tempo known to all that hear.  To one like me though, that drum is non-existant or at least it is muted,  over-ridden by other sounds to the point of uselessness.

In the perspective of all others surrounding,  those to whom the drum is clearly guiding, people in my situation seem blatantly and maliciously blocking the flow of the dance.  I don't speak of those who "dance to the beat of a different drummer." Signifying that they live life with a creative zeal that carries them to different paths than others in life for they still follow the same set standards of interaction that governs social interactions.  They, while following their own path in life, act more like a carefully planned counter point.  These care outwardly when care or sympathy is called for, they rejoice in the subtle and simplistic successes that call for individual recognition.  Furthermore, they do this all with a natural grace and aptitude that all but projects the image, when contrasted with the rest of the world, of two ball room dancers long in their carrier, swirling and twirling around each other synchronized and unified.

No it is not the "different drummer" dancers of whom I speak and idolize.  It is of us others who despite desperately searching and seeking that guiding drum beat, can't to save our lives hear and follow.  One around us is sad, boom ba boom, a drum beat heard by all and lost to one such as I.  Change to mad: ta ta ta ti ti ta, might as well be miles away across many hills and forests to boot.

My crowded seclusion:  being the last to know the welfare of those in front of me and being thought the heartless fool for not having done anything to help or the cynical or arrogant jerk for not celebrating as occasion or "drum beat" demands.

Getting the message across...

Some people have very peculiar minds.  Peculiar minds= miss communication inevitable. The problem truly gets big when you add to the mix a fiery temper and a propensity to see the worst in others.  In my crowded seclusion, such a person can ruin in less than a minute the work of a whole month... By opening their mouth.

One such person did just that this week and the only person I can, in reality, blame.. is my self.  You see, I knew this person was someone I have had problems communicating with before. I should have kept in mind the lessons learned in the past of what can be said and how.

In the end, thinking that my communication: "I am sorry that xxx happened.  I will fix it first thing tomorrow." Was clear enough.  You see in peculiar minds, people don't say what they mean.  They have ulterior motives and designs.  My mind can not comprehend such.  Because of my mind, I think linear thoughts.  There is always a word that "best fits" the intention of thought... I always strive for most clear expression of my desired message and that word/set of words is precisely what I mean to say... That is, assuming I have the time to work it out in my mind and then lay out the thought precisely.  Few people have that kind of patience.   As a result, often I am forced to "spit it out" the majority of the time in the most rough-shaw manner.

Back to why what I said was wrong for this person.. I did not debase myself or take on penance grave enough to prove that my mistake was just that: a mistake.  Instead, this peculiar minded person saw my apology as insincere, and the mistake?  He saw it as a blatant attack to himself.  In reality though, it was a simple oversight that was, as soon as was brought to my attention,  fixed to the best of what could have been done.  Not even the next level up could have done better to fix the problem.

Now in case you missed (because it is confusing) why my straight forward apology... each word laid out precisely where it belonged to mean exactly what it was intended.. could be my fault: I knew from prior experience with the guy that accepting responsibility and fixing the problem was not what he wanted to hear, at least not so simply said. Remember.. debased and ashamed and completely horrified is the message he wanted to hear.

Opening his mouth, this gentleman spewed his presumption to the wrong person at the wrong time.  This person already thinks that I am inevitably going to p*** off every one of my employees and get myself fired because I can't communicate with anyone without problems.  The last month has been completely proof negative on that theory as I have, despite my weaknesses, been fairly successful in transition to my current team.

My Crowded Seclusion: never a moment of relaxed guard and feeling successful.

Working things out at work.

Change does not come easy for me.  I change locations and like everyone in my same situation, start from scratch. My "scratch" stage is a bit rougher than most though.  I have to probe carefully and try to figure out the intricacies of human interactions with all new group of my employees. 

For the average person, this truly is a no brainer... Having the ability to 1) sub-consciously gather data and feedback on things like current mood, agitation level, level of communication comprehension,  level of job satisfaction and 2) take that data and synthesize a model of understanding and character baseline for each individual.  Me, lacking that ability, I end up doing the one thing I have have learned in order to be able to cope... Make a matrix in my head for each employee on what I said and what the reaction was... Both instant reaction, and delayed response...  Come back and modify matrix after any misjudged reactions and try a logical alteration of initial communication the next time I am in a similar situation with that employee.  A veritable "hunt and peck," or "trial and error," "sink or swim" method that is both time consuming and dangerous.

I have been able to make a general matrix of do's and don'ts to start with and that has made transitions a bit easier... Like having a rope to climb the empire state building from the outside.. but nothing more...

My Crowded Seclusion: being in a fight for my life every time I meet someone new.

Friends, hard to find.. and keep.

Friends should be able to talk to eachother.  When something that one wants to do does not appeal to the other, friends should be able to simply say, "I don't think so.  Not something I feel like doing."

A friend of mine is the kind of person that hates confrontation.  He will go along to get along... even to the point of being completely annoyed with the situation that he finds excuses to just avoid the person he is annoyed with.  Never mind the fact that the whole annoyance could be avoided by just saying no... 

In this crowded seclusion of mine, I am always the last to figure out... that source of annoyance is me.  I am always so eager to find areas of common interest and activities of mutual enjoyment that I weird people out.  Overbearing is another way of saying it, at least that is how my wife calls it.

Anyone else can see the hints... Can pick up on the slight hesitation and then irritation on the voice..  me. Not a clue.  I have to have things spelled out to me bluntly.  Most cannot imagine why I am so dense.  So clueless.  So socially inept.  Surely someone can't be so blind to pi** off everyone around him at first presentation every time...

Sad but true, first impressions are the hardest to break and earning the second chance is often so hard to get that one might as well just hope and pray the sun comes up in the west first.

My crowded seclusion: many an acquaintance, never a friend.